When Couples Create Problems that Do Not Exist

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS

Bill’s wife, Nancy, wanted to go to a concert. Bill hates crowds, but he did not object to going because it was only nine months ago that Nancy discovered his pornography addiction. He thought a night out together would be helpful for her healing.

The day before the concert, Nancy expressed fear he would be triggered by women at the event.

“I am worried too,” Bill replied to her concern.

“That does not make me feel any better,” said Nancy.

“Well, I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel,” Bill answered.

They did not go to the concert.

This scenario perfectly illustrates a common issue among couples navigating recovery and healing. Poor communication and fear create problems that do not exist. Let me explain.

When Bill admitted his worry, he thought about his discomfort being surrounded by many people, not the women Nancy was concerned about. The moment she said she was fearful, Bill’s brain went on autopilot and tuned her out. When he replied to Nancy's concern, he was thinking about his fear of being surrounded by a multitude of people, but he was vague in describing his “worries.” Bill felt he was in a good place and was not at risk of objectifying women at the concert, but that is not what he communicated to Nancy.

Bill failed to see and address Nancy’s pain point appropriately. Instead, he created an unnecessary problem by making his position unclear, leaving her believing he needed to be in a better place and would struggle at the concert.

Another circumstance in which men often panic is when they are out in public with their partners. They become worried their partner will be triggered and make wrongful accusations. To deal with this situation, some men scan the area for potential threats that may trigger their partners.

This behavior is misinterpreted as seeking out other women (and how can you blame them for drawing that conclusion)? In reality, they are trying to identify potential threats to their partner’s emotional well-being. However, this approach is unproductive and driven by fear.

Betraying partners must learn to identify and manage their fears appropriately to avoid these stressful situations. It is not their place to seek out potential threats that may activate their partner. Instead, their mission is to focus on their partners in public to help them feel confident, secure, and desired.

Accusations of staring at other women often stem from a lack of attention to the betrayed partner. When you do not focus on your partner in public, the potential for conflict increases dramatically. By addressing fears openly and focusing on each other, couples can navigate these challenges more effectively.

Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs. He is the author of

Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction

Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots

Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction

Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love & Sex Addiction

Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. 

He is the administrator of the website www.SexuallyPureMen.com. Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model at www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.