Did He Ever Love Me?

By Dr. Eddie Capparucci

One of the hardest truths many betrayed partners have to face is this: it’s not that he didn’t care about you, and it’s not that he didn’t love you. He did. He loved you the best his weak attachment system allowed him to love. But that kind of love — shallow, underdeveloped, and ungrounded — was never capable of sustaining a connection with anyone.

I know that is not something you want to hear. It is painful. It feels like someone is rewriting your entire relationship with a pen you never agreed to hand over.

But clarity, while painful, is what opens the door to genuine healing — for you and, if he chooses it, for him.

Let us break down what was happening inside of him that left you crushed.

Infatuation Isn’t Love — And He Couldn’t Tell the Difference

When he began the relationship with you, he genuinely felt he loved you with everything in him. The feeling was intense, overwhelming, electric. But intensity and intimacy are not the same. What he was experiencing was often infatuation, or in some cases, something far more consuming, limerence.

Limerence — a term introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s — describes an altered emotional and cognitive state in which a person becomes consumed with idealized longing, fantasy, and an obsessive need for emotional reciprocation.

People in limerence often confuse that chemical rush with love itself. They are not choosing to feel that way — they are captured by it.

And here is the pivotal truth: if he entered marriage while still experiencing limerence or infatuation, it was only a matter of time before those feelings crashed down around him. Getting married did not cure his attachment wounds. Instead, it masked a deeper, unhealed issue.

The Hidden Driver: A Compulsive Search for Validation

Your husband was not simply a guy who made stupid choices. He is a man unknowingly wrestling with a deep attachment wound. Most men dealing with problematic sexual behaviors grew up in homes where emotional bonding was inconsistent, shallow, or absent. Their parents might have provided food, discipline, and structure, but emotional safety and connection were nowhere to be found.

Emotional Underdevelopment

Without secure attachment, children grow into adults who cannot properly identify their emotions, be empathic, handle the emotions of others, emotionally regulate, or feel deeply connected. These men are not emotionally mature — not because they do not want to be, but because no one taught them how to be. They do not know what they do not know.

A Learned Belief that Physical Intimacy = Emotional Connection

Once these individuals discover sexual stimulation — usually starting with pornography — something powerful happens. They experience a sense of comfort, escape, and temporary 'bonding' they have never felt before.

This new arousal becomes their template for closeness.

Not conversation
Not vulnerability
Not empathy
Not intimacy
But sexual stimulation

This is why a rich fantasy life develops so quickly and so powerfully. It becomes the only internal world where they feel competent, in control, soothed, and validated.

“So, Dr. Capparucci… are you telling me my husband was more focused on his fantasy world than his family?”

Yes. That is exactly what I am telling you.

This does not mean he did not enjoy time with you or the kids.
It does not mean he did not want a good marriage.
It does not mean he never cared.

But he was never driving a connection within the family. He was not emotionally invested in the family and did not operate from an emotional presence. His internal system was dominated by fantasy, escape, stimulation, and the relentless pursuit of validation. He was locked in his own world.

His family was not competing with another person — they were competing with his dysregulated brain.

The Brain Science: Why His Desire Felt Unstoppable

To understand why he kept betraying, we need to see what was happening neurologically. Men dealing with problematic sexual behaviors often live in a state where areas of the brain responsible for compulsiveness (cingulate gyrus, striatum, thalamus, and several other areas) are more highly activated than those of individuals who can control their compulsiveness.

I can hear you now, “Excuses! You are doing nothing but making excuses.”

Now, I understand why you feel that way; however, what I, along with my colleagues, have been explaining for years is based on scientific research and documentation. This is not an excuse for their behavior. This is an explanation of their behavior.

That being said, they cannot use this science to give themselves an out. They must own their actions and the pain they have caused. Understanding the science allows them to focus on what they need to do to fix the disorder. Here are some areas they should be looking to repair.

1. He Must Keep His Prefrontal Cortex Turned On

When other areas of the brain become overactive, the prefrontal cortex — responsible for self-control, moral reasoning, long-term thinking, empathy, and reflection becomes quiet. This is why he comes across as compulsive, careless, and insensitive. It was not that he did not care. Instead, he was not engaging the part of his brain that would have shown he cared in a meaningful way.

2. The Attachment Deficit Alarm

When men with attachment wounds feel loneliness, stress, shame, or rejection, their brains send out distress signals. Without healthy emotional regulation skills, they seek the quickest form of relief: sexual stimulation, food, alcohol, etc. Their brains learned at an early age: “When I feel empty, sex makes the emptiness stop.” So, the brain over-activates — not toward the partner — but toward the unrelenting fantasy.

4. Limerence Supercharges the Entire System

When limerence is present, the neurochemical storm becomes even more intense. Obsession and fantasy fire like a looping circuit. Reality becomes distorted. The limerent brain believes: “If I can just get that feeling again, I will be okay.” This is why limerence can feel like deep love, although it is not.

Dr. Capparucci, “Does this mean he didn’t care about the kids or me?”

In most cases, he did care. Sure, some men have antisocial personality disorders who do not care about anyone or anything. Fortunately, they are a rare breed. 

Many — but not all — men dealing with problematic sexual behaviors frequently want their family to be safe, comfortable, and well cared for. They fix things around the house. They show up to events. They try to be decent men. But caring is different from being emotionally connected, and it is certainly not the same as being emotionally mature.

His compulsions were stronger than his ability to invest in genuine intimacy.
He was not choosing fantasy over you because he wanted to hurt you — he was choosing fantasy because he did not know another way to soothe his subconscious internal chaos. And his fear of intimacy stood in the way of his approaching you to be vulnerable and share his feelings.

Now, all of this does not make your betrayal less painful. But in understanding the rationale behind the madness, it can take one less concern and worry off your plate. Understanding the science and his attachment disorder makes the picture more complete. Although it does not make it less painful.

He cannot give you what he does not have. But that does not mean he cannot learn how to connect.

Where Healing Begins

Healing for him — if he chooses it — starts with:

• Strengthening his attachment system by understanding what attachment style he has and learning how to move it more toward a secure attachment.

• Developing emotional regulation skills, which I believe is the bedrock of recovery. Without emotional regulation, you can teach men many connection skills, but they will not be able to implement them. Maybe that explains all of the intimacy courses he has taken and books he has read, but nothing changes. And it will not until he learns to emotionally regulate.

• Dismantling the fantasy-based reward loops. This is connected to the lack of emotional regulation and is used when he feels one of many negative emotions. It is his attempt to run away from the emotional pain.

• Learning to tolerate discomfort is a critical part of this process and will play a major role in dismantling the fantasy-based reward loop. He MUST learn to sit with emotional discomfort and understand it will not kill him. This is where inner child work comes into recovery.

• Engaging his prefrontal cortex by learning to quiet other areas of the brain that lead to compulsiveness. This again ties into becoming emotionally regulated (see why I think it is so important?) and the need to comfort oneself utilizing healthy activities.

• Practicing honesty and vulnerability by quieting your inner child who convinces you that you will be in trouble if you are transparent.

• Establishing a support system of men where you can practice being vulnerable and empathic.

Healing for betrayed partners requires an understanding that they never caused this mess and could not have prevented it. You were trying to build a marriage with someone who was emotionally underdeveloped, neurologically overwhelmed, and attachment-injured long before you ever met him.

His wounds were not your responsibility. Your healing is. And you deserve the clarity that empowers you to take the next step — whatever step that is. I hope I have provided you with some clarity.

In the meantime, I will be offering a six-week course helping men to become emotionally regulated, which will serve to assist them with many of the recovery tasks listed above. If you are interested in joining, email me at [email protected]