Do You Have Enough Data?

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS

Thomas was feeling a storm of anger and frustration brewing inside him. His efforts to connect with his wife were going unnoticed. “I can’t imagine what else I can do to make her feel appreciated,” he vented, the weight of his emotions evident in his voice. “I’m always doing little things for her, but it’s like she doesn’t even see them. The only time I hear anything is when I mess up. It’s like I’m chasing an impossible standard!”

Thomas's experience isn’t unique. Many men in recovery find themselves grappling with similar feelings, especially when their partners express dissatisfaction. Often, these betrayed partners are hesitant to offer praise, fearing it might lead to complacency. However, the real challenge for men like Thomas is that they do not have enough data to understand their partner’s true pain point.

Take a closer look at Thomas’s situation. In this circumstance, what does Thomas know? First, he knows his wife feels she is not a priority for him. Second, he assumes he is doing everything required to make her feel noticed. But is that accurate, or is it just an assumption on his part?

When asked what his wife said when he asked why she doesn’t feel like a priority, his response was "I never asked that question."

And there lies a major and common problem. Thomas does not have enough data to determine what it takes to make his wife feel like a priority.

Thomas lacks the crucial data needed to address his wife’s feelings effectively. Instead of making assumptions about what might be making her feel neglected, he needs to engage her in a meaningful conversation. When he finally asked, “What actions make you feel noticed and valued?” he was taken aback by her response. “I feel noticed when you proactively approach me to talk or do things together. You wait for me to suggest things, and honestly, I’m tired of it. I shouldn’t have to chase you—you should be chasing me.”

This revelation hit home for Thomas. Sure, he had been putting out her coffee cup, buying flowers, and taking her car to get washed—all sweet gestures—but they didn’t foster the emotional connection she craved. She wanted him to be present and engaged, not just performing tasks. With this newfound clarity, Thomas realized that it was time to shift his approach.

Similarly, consider Casey, whose wife expressed doubts about his commitment to maintaining his recovery. From his perspective, he was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of recovery meetings, counseling sessions, and support calls he was juggling each week. When his wife voiced her concerns, Casey immediately felt defensive, which only led to heated arguments and left her feeling unheard and uncared for.

Like Thomas, Casey was operating without much-needed data. Instead of shutting down or justifying his efforts, Casey needed to seek more understanding from his wife about why she felt he wasn’t doing enough. This is not aimed at having her dictate his recovery plan but rather to comprehend her fears.

When Casey finally took the time to have an open conversation, he learned that his wife felt in the dark about his recovery journey. “I see you doing all these things,” she said, “but I don’t know what you’re getting out of it. Are they helping you at all?” This was a valid concern that deserved attention. It wasn’t merely about his efforts; it was about ensuring she felt included in the process. She was seeking to feel safe.

By sharing more about his recovery journey with her, Casey not only addressed her concerns but also made her feel more secure that he was on the right path of recovery. This aligned perfectly with one of my 15 rules for engaging your betrayed partner: never leave her in the dark.

Returning to Thomas, when he finally addressed his wife’s feelings head-on, he discovered the missing piece of their puzzle. With this new information, he pivoted his actions toward activities that made his wife feel noticed.

Both Thomas and Casey learned that their challenges weren’t about their partners being difficult; they were about a lack of data. If you find yourself struggling in your relationship, take a step back. Engage in open conversations and seek the data that can bridge the gaps in understanding. With better communication you can go a long way in making your partner feel safe.

If you would like a copy of my “15 Rules For Engaging Your Betrayed Spouse” email me at [email protected].

Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs. His latest release is entitled: Going Deeper: For Betrayed Partners: Discovering Healing Through the Inner Child.