Are You Done Blurring Her Out?

Are You Done Blurring Her Out?

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS

“I was four years old when my father walked out on my mom and me,” recalled Antonio, a married father of five who, eight months ago, was caught cheating. Throughout his 23-year marriage, he had four emotional affairs, which has left his wife, who is battling breast cancer, devastated. “After my father left, I did not see him again for 14 years. He got remarried and just forgot about me. In fact, I have only been with him a handful of times over the years.”

What Antonio’s dad did when he left was blur him out, therefore not allowing himself to feel guilt or remorse about leaving his child behind. After discussing this in therapy, Antonio concluded he had blurred out his wife and children when engaging with his affair partners. Although he lived in the same house, he left them behind.

Reckless and Thoughtless

Like his dad, blurring out this family came naturally for Antonio, who is emotionally undeveloped and inwardly focused. This is part of the craziness that comes from having an addictive brain and compulsive disorder. The ability to discern and make healthy decisions is hindered by the emotional discomfort these men have learned to suppress by distracting themselves with destructive behaviors. Their actions are thoughtless and reckless.

Their thought process is similar to many teenagers, where nothing is well thought out, and emotional desires drive actions instead of rational thinking. This is especially true when considering potential ramifications and consequences – it doesn’t exist.      

This insight helps answer the question all harmed partners have, “what thoughts did you have about me when you were betraying me?” In most cases, the simple answer is none because the betrayer blurs out his partner, which helps guard against guilt and shame. It is difficult to admit that men with compulsive disorders and undeveloped emotional issues can engage in such callous behaviors while blurring out their loved ones. But unfortunately, it is true. While we commit to others, we continue to blindly exist in our secret world, causing tremendous pain while living in denial that what we are doing is hurting anyone.  

Clarity is Required

Like Antonio’s dad, blurring out, the young boy left his father feeling free to selfishly pursue another life. If his father had allowed his son to come into focus, it would have made his decision to leave more difficult because he would have seen the pain being inflicted. Instead, he used his lifelong coping mechanism of turning inwardly to shield himself from any responsibility.    

The same held for Antonio and his family. His dad blurred him and his mother out, just like he did to his wife during his affairs. When acting out, consequences were not considered. Those who mattered were blurs.

All this leaves someone who has betrayed wondering, “if he blurred me out, that means he didn’t love.” However, that is not accurate. They are not considering that their partner has an addictive brain. And with that, a compulsive disorder makes them very prone to acting without considering potential consequences. None of this is an excuse but only serves as a rationale to explain these difficult circumstances.

For those who suffer from Problematic Sexual Behaviors, the carnage has been done. What is left are ashes of what should have been a thriving relationship that instead was a façade. But the story is not over. Healing is possible, but only if men stop blurring out their betrayed partners and clearly see their agony.

Being outwardly focused and sitting with emotional discomfort is not natural for men who struggle to control their impulses. Still, it is necessary if they want to repair what they have destroyed. If you do not know how to do this, I strongly encourage you to seek a professional to assist you. It is the least you can do for your betrayed partner. It is time to start seeing with clarity.   

___________________________________________________________

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs.  He is also the author of the books, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction, Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots, and Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. 

He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com, and over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model™ by going to www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.