By Dr. Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS
"Hi honey, I just wanted to let you know I'm back in my hotel room," Ron told his wife, Darlene, after returning from a company outing during a business trip to New York City.
"It's almost 1:00 in the morning," Darlene nervously replied.
Ever since discovering three years ago that Ron had engaged with prostitutes during his acting-out years, business trips had become a source of anxiety for her. "Why did it take you so long to get back?"
"Everyone else was heading to a bar, and I didn't want to go," Ron explained. "So, I walked back to the hotel. It took about forty-five minutes."
"You walked through New York City by yourself at midnight?" Darlene asked, her voice rising. "What were you thinking? Do you realize what could have happened?"
"But nothing happened," Ron responded defensively. "Actually, I'm pretty proud of myself. I thought you'd be proud of me too. I don't understand why you're upset."
"I'm upset because you were walking alone in a city where temptation is everywhere," Darlene replied. "Do you have any idea what that felt like for me when I heard that?"
"You're worrying for no reason, and you should relax," Ron said. "I got back safely and there wasn't a problem. This is becoming a silly conversation."
At that moment, Ron missed what was happening. And he missed big time! Yes, Darlene was questioning his decision to walk back to the hotel alone. But beneath her concern was something much deeper – fear.
Fear rooted in his betrayal. Fear that was activated the moment she learned he had spent nearly an hour walking alone through a city that represented temptation and danger in her mind.
Instead of responding to her emotional pain, Ron reacted to the facts of the situation. Rather than trying to understand why she was distressed, he focused on convincing her that she should not be distressed. Unfortunately, this is a common pattern among betraying partners.
One of the most frustrating experiences for betrayed partners is sharing their fears, sadness, or pain, only to be told why those feelings are unreasonable or uncalled for. Comments such as, "That happened years ago," "I've changed," or "I don't understand why you're still upset", leave the betrayed partner feeling unheard, dismissed, and alone.
Why does this happen?
For many betrayers, this response is not simply a communication problem, it is a survival strategy. Long before the relationship began, they learned that emotions were uncomfortable, unsafe, or something to be controlled. As children, they survived by minimizing feelings, suppressing vulnerability, or finding ways to escape discomfort. As adults, they often respond to their partners’ pain in the same way they once responded to their own: by trying to make it go away.
When someone else's feelings become intense, they experience those emotions as overwhelming. Instead of leaning into the conversation, they instinctively try to shut it down. And the easiest way to do that is by explaining why the other person should not feel what they are feeling.
But emotions do not disappear because someone argues against them. Imagine if a child came running after hearing thunder during a storm. Most parents would not say, "There is nothing to be afraid of, thunder can't hurt you. Go back to bed."
The child reluctantly returns to bed just as frightened as he was before seeking refuge from his caregivers. However, a wise parent understands that before facts can be heard, emotions must be acknowledged. The same principle applies to betrayed partners.
When Darlene expressed fear, she was not asking Ron to explain why she was wrong to feel that way. She was asking him to understand what she was experiencing. What she needed to hear was something like:
"I can understand why that scared you. Knowing my history, I can see how hearing I walked back alone would create anxiety. I should have been more aware and thought how doing that would impact you. I'm sorry for creating this fear in you."
Notice that none of these statements attempt to solve the problem. They simply communicate understanding. Ironically, when people feel understood, they often become calmer. When they feel dismissed, they usually become more distressed.
Learning to respond differently requires a shift from being inwardly focused to becoming outwardly focused. An inwardly focused person wonders, "Why are we discussing this?"
An outwardly focused person asks, "What is her pain point and how can I acknowledge it to show I understand?"
This shift does not come naturally for many betrayers because their old coping mechanisms were designed to protect them from such discomfort. However, healing requires learning how to tolerate discomfort rather than avoid it.
One of the best times to work on this skill is not during a difficult conversation but long before it occurs. When emotions are running high, people tend to fall back to old habits. That is why preparation matters.
Understanding your partner's pain is important. But insight alone rarely changes behavior. Most betrayers already know they become defensive, dismissive, or argumentative. The problem is that when these conversations occur, their Inner Child becomes activated and old coping strategies take over. Without a plan, they simply repeat the same responses repeatedly.
That is why I encourage clients to proactively plan how they will approach difficult conversations that commonly trigger defensiveness. I call it the Same Triggers-New Response Playbook.
The playbook is dedicated to helping you deal with difficult conversations that repeatedly trigger your Inner Child and lead you to act upon one of your maladaptive coping strategies.
Each time a challenging discussion occurs and one of your maladaptive coping strategies arise, you record information in the Same Triggers-New Response Playbook about the situation. There is a question template to assist you in generating all the information you will need to better understand why you keep struggling. For example, information such as:
1. What was my partner's pain point? What were they truly upset, afraid, hurt, or concerned about? What might they have been experiencing emotionally?
2. What was my reaction? Did I become defensive, minimize their feelings, justify my actions, shut down, blame, argue, or withdraw? How did my response impact the conversation? Be as descriptive as possible including recording any conversation that you remember.
3. What will I do differently next time to produce a healthier response? What could I say or do that would help my partner feel heard, understood, and valued? What steps will I take to ensure I utilize this approach?
The real growth happens when you review these entries regularly. As you notice recurring themes, you will discover that many difficult conversations follow predictable patterns. Instead of being caught off guard, you can prepare for them.
Think of this journal as a practice field. Athletes don't wait until game day to learn a new skill. They practice repeatedly until it becomes second nature. In the same way, you can rehearse healthier responses before the next difficult conversation occurs.
Over time, you will train yourself to pause, recognize your partner's pain, manage your defensiveness, and respond in ways that build connection rather than create distance. The goal is not to win arguments. The goal is to become the kind of partner who can stay present when conversations become difficult. And this results in a change of heart.
The greatest obstacle to healing is often not your partner's pain, it is your need to escape the discomfort her pain creates in you. Every time you explain away her fear, defend your actions, or minimize her hurt, your Inner Child is trying to protect you. But recovery requires a different response.
Healing begins the moment you stop asking, "How do I make this conversation end?" and start asking, "How do I help my partner feel understood?"
Because trust is not rebuilt when you convince her she should not feel hurt. Trust is rebuilt when she discovers that you are finally willing to sit with her hurt.
_____________________________________________________________________
You can get your copy of the Same Triggers-New Response Playbook at Amazon.
