Many betraying partners believe their greatest recovery challenge is learning new communication and connection skills. But when conflict hits—when shame rises or their partner’s pain is activated—the nervous system floods, the Inner Child reacts, and those skills vanish.

Recovery begins when they learn to regulate themselves before attempting to support their grieving partner. A man can be sober, informed, and even sincere, yet still emotionally unsafe. Under stress, he is no longer operating from intention—but from survival.

Most betraying partners focus on two goals:

From an Inner Child perspective, these men learned early in life that emotions were dangerous, needs were burdensome, and vulnerability led to rejection or shame. Their nervous system adapted by becoming hypervigilant or emotionally avoidant. Those adaptations did not disappear in adulthood—they simply went underground.

In recovery, when stress increases, the Inner Child resurfaces. This is why:

·       Defensiveness feels automatic

·       Withdrawal feels safer than presence

·       Lying or minimizing can happen even when a man swears he wants to change

These are not conscious decisions. They are dysregulated survival responses. (Note: this is not an excuse for the poor behaviors exhibited.)

Clinically, this reflects an autonomic nervous system stuck in threat mode. Spiritually, it reflects a man still leaning on his own understanding—trusting flawed instincts shaped by wounds rather than wisdom shaped by God.

This truth was reinforced for me recently while listening to a sermon by Pastor Jacob Browning at First Celina Church in Celina, Texas, based on the Book of James. The author does not tell believers to rely on their instincts during trials. He tells them to ask God for wisdom.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

Wisdom is what interrupts the Inner Child’s grip on behavior and slows the nervous system before the mouth opens. It allows discomfort without escape and creates space between compulsiveness and response.

Without wisdom, men default to Inner Child logic:

This is why statements like “I can’t do this” or “I’ll never be enough” are so common. These are not adult reflections but instead the language of an Inner Child seeking relief, not responsibility. However, recovery requires more than insight. It requires regulation.

A regulated man can:

Wisdom empowers this regulation. It gives the adult self-authority over the Inner Child. This is not about being compassionate toward betraying partners. It is about being honest. Their Inner Child and inability to emotionally regulate may explain their behavior, but it does not excuse it.

Transformation happens when a man stops trusting his instincts and starts submitting his reactions—body, mind, and heart—to God. When wisdom leads, the Inner Child no longer controls the moment. And only then can true repair begin.

Sobriety may stop the behavior. Wisdom and regulation change the man. Do not do this alone. Lean on God for His understanding and allow Him to provide you with the wisdom you need to bring healing to your relationship.

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  Eph. 2:10

Dr. Eddie Capparucci can be reached at [email protected].

If you’re a decision maker at your company, you need to be on the bleeding edge of, well, everything. But before you go signing up for seminars, conferences, lunch ‘n learns, and all that jazz, just know there’s a far better (and simpler) way: Subscribing to The Deep View.

This daily newsletter condenses everything you need to know about the latest and greatest AI developments into a 5-minute read. Squeeze it into your morning coffee break and before you know it, you’ll be an expert too.

Subscribe right here. It’s totally free, wildly informative, and trusted by 600,000+ readers at Google, Meta, Microsoft, and beyond.