Taming the Unaffirmed Child

The Unaffirmed Child is always hungry.

He’s scanning the room, the phone, the email, the text — looking for a crumb of approval or recognition. Not because he is selfish, but because somewhere along the way, he learned that being affirmed is an amazing way of feeling loved.

The Phone Call That Says It All

Picture this: a man dials his accountant’s office. The receptionist picks up with a bubbly voice and asks, “How are you doing?” It’s a throwaway greeting, the kind we all hear often.

A secure man might simply answer, “Doing well, thank you. Can I speak with Ken?” Quick, direct, and done.

But the man who has spent his childhood facing ongoing criticism or receiving little to no praise let’s his Unaffirmed Child takes the wheel on the call. “Oh, just enjoying the beautiful weather and spending lots of time on the lake. Do you like boating?” It sounds like polite small talk — and maybe it is — but it is also a hook. A way of testing if someone is interested. A subtle reach for affirmation.

How the Hunger Begins

This hunger rarely starts in adulthood. It begins in childhood, where some kids are praised, encouraged, and celebrated, while others are criticized, ignored, or treated as though their feelings do not matter. When you grow up starved for affirmation, you develop a radar for it. You start fishing for signs that you are liked, wanted, or valuable.

By the time adulthood arrives, the hunger feels automatic. You are not even aware you are doing it — you just know you are uncomfortable when the other person does not bite. And even if there is someone at home who is providing affirmation, that is not enough for this affirmation-starved individual. His praise-seeking cup is bottomless and he always needs more.

Breaking the Habit of Fishing

The shift begins with awareness.

1. Understand you are dealing with a powerful Unaffirmed Child.

2. Slow everything down and determine what is occurring that has activated your Inner Child. You do this by identifying your Core Emotional Triggers. Here are a handful that impact this Child:

· I feel unheard

· I feel small

· I am a disappointment

· I am a failure

· I feel insulted

3. Take time to work through the painful emotions and determine if they are accurate or not (here is a tip: they are not).

4. Determine how you should really feel about yourself and stay focused on those beliefs.  

5. Prior to engaging with others, ask, “What’s my motive in speaking with this individual? Am I trolling for a compliment or connection?” Understand your mission when you are around others so as not to fall into temptation.

It sounds mechanical at first, but what you are doing is letting your adult self take action — the self that knows you have value.

Feeding the Child Without Starving the Man

The Unaffirmed Child does not go away just because you stop fishing for affirmation. He is still hungry. The key is to feed him something better than scraps of approval.

• Be compassionate and speak kind truths to yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do so.

• Surround yourself with a few safe people who know you well and can offer genuine encouragement.

• Spend time in quiet reflection — prayer and meditation — to ground your worth in something deeper.

That is the power of feeding the Unaffirmed Child. When you nurture him with genuine affirmation instead of scraps of attention, you stop chasing and start connecting. The hunger quiets. The man emerges.

Dr. Capparucci can be reached at [email protected].