The Dreaded Check-in

I am not sure there is any other tool in the recovery process that generates more universal groaning than the recovery check-in. It is resented. It is avoided. It is complained about on both sides of the aisle. And yet, ironically, it is one of the most powerful instruments for healing when done correctly.

But let us not get ahead of ourselves. Let us start with the complaints.

What the Betrayed Partner Says

“I ask him how recovery is going, and he never has anything to share.”
“He rushes through it like he’s trying to beat a parking meter.”
“He never schedules the check-ins—I have to chase him down.”
“He doesn’t share what’s actually going on inside him.”
“And somehow, no matter what I ask, he always ends up defensive.”

Translation: “I’m trying to feel safe with someone who emotionally vanishes the moment I need him to show up.”

What the Betrayer Says

“I don’t know what to say because I’m not doing anything wrong.”
“I dread these because they always lead to an argument.”
“She uses the check-in to batter me.”
“No matter what I say, it’s wrong or not good enough.”

Translation: “I still think this is about legal compliance and consequences and not emotional transformation.”

My gosh—what a nightmare.

On one side, a partner is desperate for emotional safety. On the other, a man in a full defensive posture, crouched behind emotional sandbags, terrified to schedule a check-in because he is convinced he is going to get whacked like an unsuspected mafia member. (I can talk about the mafia because I am Italian.)

And here is the real tragedy: both are missing the true purpose of the check-in. The check-in is not an inquisition. It is not supposed to feel like:

• A parole hearing

• A cross-examination

• A courtroom drama where one side brings evidence and the other pleads the Fifth

And it is most certainly not meant to be, “I didn’t act out. Are we done with this discussion?”

A check-in exists to create emotional safety through emotional presence. For the betrayed partner, the check-in is meant to answer one essential question: “Is the man in front of me today a little more emotionally developed than the one who showed up at our last check-in—or am I talking to the same version of him?”

Is he emotionally different?

· Can he feel?

· Can he regulate?

· Can he be honest without becoming defensive or lying?

· Can he sit with my pain without collapsing into shame or aggression?

That is what she is listening for. And she learns this when you share the following.

• What emotions did you experience this week?

• What triggered you emotionally?

• What felt overwhelming?

• Did you want to escape?

• What did you do instead of running?

• Which recovery tools did you use?

• Are you still struggling?

She is inquiring: “Are you learning to sit and manage your emotions—or are you still running from them and calling it sobriety?”

Because make no mistake, unmanaged emotions are the on-ramp to relapse. Always has been. Always will be.

If You Say, “Nothing Happened”—She Hears, “He is Not Changing”

When a man shows up to a check-in with, “Nothing really happened. I’m good.” What his partner hears is:

• “I’m still emotionally disconnected.”

• “I’m still avoiding vulnerability.”

• “I still don’t know how to reflect.”

• “I’m still telling you what I think you want to hear.”

So, let us be direct. If a betrayer claims to have no emotional struggles, no internal conflict, no temptations, no irritations, no sadness, no stress, no anxiety—then one of two things is true:

1. He has achieved emotional enlightenment that no one else with this disorder has obtained, including yours truly
   or

2. He is still emotionally numb and highly unaware of the changes required of him

I will let you decide each of you decide for yourselves.

Why Betrayers Dread the Check-In

Men dread check-ins for three core reasons:

1. They think it is about passing a test. They approach the check-in like a quiz:

• “What’s the right answer?”

• “How much can I say without getting in trouble?”

• “What version of the truth will hurt the least?”

• “What does she want to hear?”

But a check-in is not a test. It is a status report. And the only passing grade is emotional honesty and transparency.

Not perfection. Not bravado. Not bragging. Just honesty and transparency.

2. They Are Terrified of Their Partner’s Pain

Most men in early recovery are still afraid of their partner’s emotions. They do not know how to manage their emotions, and therefore, they unknowingly shut them down. They do this by retreating, minimizing, lying, and being defensive.

Then they say, “She uses the check-in as an excuse to beat me up.” When in reality, what she is doing is bleeding in front of the person who caused her wound.

3. They Do not Yet Have the Emotional Language

Many men truly do not know what they feel or how to express their emotions. That is the truth. This is because they were never taught to be emotionally literate. So, their internal world sounds like this:

• “I’m fine.”

• “I’m stressed.”

• “I’m annoyed.”

• “I’m tired.”

That is not a check-in. That is a weather report.

What a Healthy Check-In Actually Looks Like

A real check-in includes the following:

1. Emotional Transparency

Not what you did, but what you felt.

• “I felt lonely this week.”

• “I felt rejected after work.”

• “I felt ashamed after we argued.”

• “I felt triggered when I felt criticized.”

2. Skill Application

Not what you promised to do. What you actually practiced.

• “I grounded myself instead of dissociating.”

• “I called my accountability partner.”

• “I journaled instead of escaping.”

• “I sat with the discomfort instead of medicating it.”

Check-In Is Also for Her

And let us not miss that a check-in is not a one-way dialogue. It is also the time when the betrayer listens to how his partner is doing with her betrayal trauma:

• What memories surfaced this week?

• What triggered fear?

• What brought grief?

• What sparked anger?

This is where the betrayer learns to stay present, regulated, and vulnerable. Instead of fleeing into defensiveness, shame, shutdown, or counterattack.

A check-in is about demonstrating that you are emotionally available, regulated, accountable, and connected. If you treat the check-in like a trap,
and a partner still experiences it as a battlefield, then the issue is not the check-in. The real issue is that emotional work is not yet leading the recovery.

And until it does, the dread will continue.