Understanding Struggling

There’s a subtle, but deeply important, misstep many men in recovery from problematic sexual behaviors (PSBs) make—and it often shows up during a well-intended effort to be honest.

It occurs during check-ins with a partner. A man wants to demonstrate accountability and openness. He tells her, “I was really struggling today.” She asks why. “I saw an attractive woman in revealing clothing and had to tell myself not to look again.”

Sounds responsible, right? Transparent? Maybe even admirable?

Actually—it is a mistake. One that, although rooted in a desire to build trust, ends up doing the opposite. It unnecessarily elevates a betrayed partner’s fear and anxiety, and more importantly, misrepresents what recovery is supposed to look like.

Observing Is Not Objectifying

Let us clearly break this down. A man notices a woman. She's attractive. His brain registers this—because that’s how our brains function. Then he redirects. He makes a conscious choice not to objectify. He honors his wife. He embraces his new values. He shows restraint.

That is not a struggle.

That is growth. That is healing. That is success.

But in his mind, he labels it, “I struggled.” And when he reports that to his partner, it reinforces her belief that she has to stay hypervigilant. That his sobriety is fragile. That relapse is right around the corner.

Why This Distortion Happens

Often, this faulty labeling stems from guilt, shame, and the emotional confusion of the Inner Child. With the Inner Child Model™, we recognize within every man struggling with compulsive behaviors is a collection of wounded inner children—each carrying unmet emotional needs, false beliefs, and unresolved trauma.

These pains were formed in environments that led to the false beliefs that attention equals worth or that sexualization is the fastest route to emotional relief. When this wounded self sees someone who draws his attention, the wound becomes internally activated. But when the mature self, steps in—pauses, redirects, chooses dignity—that is a sign healing is happening.

The problem is many men are still fused with their Inner Child’s shame. So even when they handle things well, they feel like they’ve failed. Because their Inner Child still believes, “I shouldn’t even notice her,” or “Feeling temptation means I have failed.”

Temptation Is Not Failure

A quick glance is not the same as ogling. Noticing is not the same as fantasizing. And temptation is not the same as acting out.

Yet many men confuse awareness with struggling. They see their emotional reaction—an internal nudge of arousal or curiosity—as proof they are still broken. But they are not. That internal cue is simply a moment to practice the skills they have worked hard to build: emotional regulation, healthy boundaries, and self-awareness.

The Cost of Over-Reporting

When a man tells his partner he “struggled” in a moment where he actually succeeded, he does two things:

1. He misrepresents his progress
   This undermines his own confidence and creates a distorted view of what recovery really looks like. Sobriety is not a flatline—it is learning to navigate life’s stimuli without being controlled by them.

2. He injects unnecessary fear into his relationship
   His partner, already wounded by betrayal, is searching for safety. When he mislabels success as struggle, she is forced to question whether she can ever trust again.

This is not honesty—it is misplaced guilt dressed up as transparency.

Practice Healthy Accountability

Let me be clear—I am not saying men should withhold information. Accountability is essential. But accuracy is too. Partners need honesty, but they do not need distorted narratives that trigger unnecessary fear.

Instead of saying, “I struggled,” say something like this:

“I noticed someone today who was dressed inappropriately. I quickly looked away and reminded myself of who I want to be. I felt proud of how I handled it.”

This is what it sounds like when the mature self is in charge. This tells your partner the truth—you are practicing recovery. It tells your Inner Child—you are not bad, you are healing. And it tells you—you can trust yourself again.

Celebrate Wins, Do not Shame Them

Recovery is not about becoming blind. It is about seeing clearly and choosing well. That is not a struggle. That is a sign of strength.

So if you are committed to honesty, then be honest about your progress. Don’t feed shame by calling a victory a failure. Don’t confuse awareness with acting out. And above all, do not add fear to your relationship when what you have actually earned is trust.

This is how we stop living from the Inner Child and start leading from the healthy adult.

Let us stop mislabeling success as failure. Call it what it is – healing.

Final Thought: Be Honest

If you are struggling—admit it. Hiding will not heal it. Yes, your partner may be hurt. She may feel disappointed. But if you are genuinely pursuing transformation, you must walk in the light. That means being honest. Not half-truths. Not vague confessions. But real, humble ownership.

Trying to downplay or minimize what you have done only keeps you stuck. You do not grow through deception—you grow through surrender.

If you catch yourself objectifying, do not sweep it under the rug. Ask yourself: What just happened? Where did I disconnect emotionally? What pain or fear drove my actions?

Use the moment—not to shame yourself—but to learn, grow, and reconnect with the deeper work God is doing in your heart.

True healing begins when you are willing to face yourself… honestly.

If you would like to learn more about how the Inner Child Model™ can assist those struggling with Betrayal Trauma, here is a link to a presentation I did on the subject two weeks ago. Click on the first video with my photo. Let me know if you have any questions by reaching out to [email protected]. Blessings.

https://sexualintegrityleaders.com/