Will We Ever Be Safe?

Twenty months ago, Alicia's world shattered when she discovered her husband Derek's infidelity: numerous visits to a strip club and a years-long pornography habit throughout their 17-year marriage. Now, she finds herself questioning the purpose of seeking healing. "I hear so many women in my support groups say things like, 'once an addict, always an addict,' or 'you'll never be able to trust him again.' If that's true, then why bother with therapy and support groups? Why am I still with him?"

Alicia's words echo the frustration and hopelessness countless others feel, struggling to heal from the pain of betrayal. This is a tragic reality, with many feeling lost in the healing stage and believing their partners are incapable of change.

The truth is those who struggle with addictive behaviors can become safe. Millions of individuals who dealt with problematic sexual behaviors have found freedom and learned how to manage the disorder effectively. While there may not be a cure, managing an addiction does not mean engaging in a constant and exhausting battle. Individuals can learn to deal with temptations in a manner that feels effortless and rewarding. But more importantly, it provides their partners with peace of mind.

If a betrayed partner believes her spouse will always struggle with addiction, she will focus on his incorrect actions, and overlook any positive trends that hopefully are developing. This breeds frustration for everyone involved.

Individuals who have betrayed their partners but are actively engaged in recovery work have a strong potential to excel at being safe and supportive partners. However, it is essential to understand their journey will not be perfect. While abstinence from harmful behaviors such as sexually acting out is a non-negotiable requirement, they may still face challenges in maintaining consistent attention and open communication. They may occasionally become defensive or struggle to fully connect emotionally. The key is that these incidents are infrequent and that the individual acknowledges his mistakes, learns from them, and continues to make progress in all aspects of recovery.

For a partner who has been betrayed, it is crucial to pay attention to how your partner is working to emotionally connect with you. This is a strong indicator of his commitment to recovery and to rebuilding trust. However, even in this area, perfection is unrealistic. When your partner fails to connect with you emotionally, express your disappointment clearly and take space for yourself. This will allow him to reflect on the pain his inaction has caused. If he is genuinely dedicated to his recovery and to your well-being, he will seek you out, express remorse, and make amends. These actions demonstrate that you have a partner who is actively working to create a safer and more supportive relationship.

The bottom line is addiction does not need to be a life sentence of relapses, slips, or mistrust. Instead, couples who experienced the tragedy of betrayal can repair their relationships and come out on the other side in a much better place than they started.

Those who struggle with addiction can become safe and dependable. The path forward requires hope exhibited by both parties. It is a journey, not a destination. And it is one many before you have successfully navigated.

Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed professional counselor certified in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors. Among his many clients, Eddie has worked with professional athletes, including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. He is the creator of the Inner Child Model™ for treating PSBs. He is the author of

· Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction

· Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots

· Understanding the Inner Child and Overcoming Addiction

· Going Deeper for Women: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Love & Sex Addiction

· Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. 

He is the administrator of the websites www.MenAgainstPorn.org and www.SexuallyPureMen.com. Over the years, he has spoken to numerous organizations regarding the harmful impact pornography has on individuals, relationships, and society. He hosts a monthly webcast: Getting to the Other Side: Helping Couples Navigate the Road to Recovery. You can learn more about his Inner Child Model at www.innerchild-sexaddiction.com.